Provide an example of action or character of something you've read and how that might be improved according to Williams.

Although I have run across many dense articles in my own research, reading through Williams has motivated me to create "fresh" assignments for my developmental writers. In my search for a "ready-made" example of weak writing which included nominalizations, I stumbled across this excerpt of an actual parts recall letter from an automaker:

A defect which involves the possible failure of a frame support plate may exist on your vehicle. This plate (front suspension pivot bar support plate) connects a portion of the front suspension to the vehicle frame, and its failure could affect directional control, particularly during heavy break application. In addition, your vehicle may require adjustment service to the hood secondary catch system. The secondary catch may be misaligned so that the hood may not be adequately restrained to prevent hood fly-up in the event the primary catch in inadvertently left unengaged. Sudden hood fly-up beyond the secondary catch while driving could impair driver visibility. In certain circumstances, occurrence of either of the above conditions could result in vehicle crash without prior warning.

The purpose of this letter, I suspect, dictates its intentional style--the lawyers involved in its crafting were most likely pleased with their result. However, when students mimic this style, I try to explain that their message is frequently muddled or lost. To correct or improve this sample, in addition to their text's suggestions, I also include a brief synopsis of Lanham's Paramedic Method which provides a more concise approach for this exercise. Although Lanham's process incorporates additional aspects of revision, like Williams, he encourages replacing nominalizations as well as placing the agent (character) in the subject position. Following his method, a revision of this paragraph may look like this:

Your vehicle may contain a defective front suspension pivot bar support plate. This plate connects part of the front suspension to the vehicle frame, and if you apply the brakes heavily, the plate may fail, causing you to lose control of the vehicle. Additionally, you may need to adjust the hood's secondary catch system. If the primary catch breaks, your car's hood may fly-up as a result of a misaligned secondary catch. Consequently, if the hood flys-up while you are driving, your vision could be impaired. Either of these deficiencies may cause an unexpected accident.

I'm certain this isn't a perfect revision either, but it is difficult to revise and include the intended legal style from the original version. I do, however, think this is a valuable exercise for students, and Lanham's method makes the revision process more sequential and accessible.